22 quotes
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
E=MO² (1985)
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
E=MO² (1985)
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
E=MO² (1985)
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
E=MO² (1985)
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
E=MO² (1985)
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
E=MO² (1985)
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
E=MO² (1985)
I was in a bar the other night, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky — but there wasn't gum under any of them.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
E=MO² (1985)
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
The Guardian - The best God joke ever - and it's mine! (1980)
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
E=MO² (1985)
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
E=MO² (1985)
Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
E=MO² (1985)
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
The Guardian - The best God joke ever - and it's mine! (1980)
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
GQ Magazine - 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time (1999)
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
E=MO² (1985)
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
E=MO² (1985)
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
E=MO² (1985)