72 quotes
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry Turns 40 (1990)
“But that’s not fair!”
Erik smiled. “Jess, we’re talking about the law here. Fairness has nothing to do with it.”
Swamp Story (2023)
“It’s complicated.”
Jesse made a face. “Why do lawyers always say that?”
Erik laughed. “Because it’s almost always true.”
Swamp Story (2023)
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.
On any given night, Key West’s main party drag, lower Duval Street, makes Bourbon Street look like Sesame Street.
Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Americans loved Disneyland, because it gave them something good, something decent, something that epitomized a quality that vacationing American families value above all else: clean toilets.
Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)
This book is dedicated to everybody who buys this book. Without you, I would have to get an actual job.
I'll Mature When I'm Dead (2010)
Do you remember that little vent that cars used to have on the front windows, so on coolish days you could let a little fresh air in without causing a big draft? WHO THE HELL TOOK THAT LITTLE VENT AWAY?
Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)
"How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"I don't know! How many?"
"Let's invade Poland and find out!"
"Okay!"
The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
The Taming of the Screw (1983)
We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
So there's no question about it: by the mid-fifties, America was definitely in a Golden Era, an era of excitement and opportunity for all citizens, regardless of race or creed or color, unless the person happened to be black. Then there was a problem.
Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989)
Suddenly, I noticed something: my wallet and keys are exactly where I left them. So either the spirits decided not to move them or—we cannot rule this out – they moved them and then moved them back.
Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)
In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.
Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)
Denmark (also called "Norway") is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.
Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)
Key West, the end of the road, the most flamboyant, decadent, debauched and pungent place in the Florida.
Key West is Florida’s Florida—the place way down at the bottom where the weirdest of the weird end up; the place where the abnormal is normal.
Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)
I'm sure that this year we'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.