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In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.

— Dave Barry Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

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More quotes by Dave Barry

Sharks are hardy creatures, but they do not thrive on public transportation.

I'll Mature When I'm Dead (2010)

First of all, let's dispense with this absurd stereotype that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you.

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

• Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)

• More than 1,000 people move to Florida every day.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

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Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Dave Barry (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.