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Dave Barry Quotes

born 1947 United States

David McAlister "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.

United States
Bloggers
Columnists
Humorists
Novelists

Also known as: Barry, Dave

Random Dave Barry quote

72 quotes

Sharks are hardy creatures, but they do not thrive on public transportation.

I'll Mature When I'm Dead (2010)

First of all, let's dispense with this absurd stereotype that the French are rude. The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you.

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

• Under Florida’s “stand your ground” law, it is legal to shoot anybody for any reason as long as you are standing on the ground.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)

• More than 1,000 people move to Florida every day.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

• Roughly eight of these people understand the purpose of the turn signal.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

• Florida’s government is divided into three branches: the executive, the judicial and the criminal.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

You must be careful about what you eat, unless you want your body making heart valves out of things like bean dip.

Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead (1985)

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)

If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person.

Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

There comes a time in a man’s life when a man must man up and be a man by summoning up his manhood and doing something manly.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

He is a tall, trim, sinewy man with a full beard, a deep voice and a handshake that would crush a coconut. He could be a testosterone donor.

Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland (2016)

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

Here's the problem: A lot of parents are insane. You may be one of these parents without knowing it, because the craziness takes over you gradually.

I'll Mature When I'm Dead (2010)

Dad was busy earning money so that the family could purchase the new Buick, which boasted 44 pounds of chromed trim. The Russians may have had working space satellites, but they had nothing like that.

Dave Barry Turns 50 (1998)

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: Dave Barry (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.