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Mitch Hedberg Quotes
1968–2005 United States
Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 – 30 March 2005) was an American stand-up comic known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.
United States Comedians Stand-up comedians Also known as: Hedberg, Mitch, Mitch Hedburg
Random Mitch Hedberg quote
76 quotes
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I play sports... No I don't, what the fuck?
I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Mitch All Together (2003)
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs". Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah".
(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!
I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."
When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds… that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... Aw fuck. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.
By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be... A thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Mitch All Together (2003)
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
This is what my friend said to me; he said "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
Mitch All Together (2003)
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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