Home › Authors › Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
1968–2005 United States
Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 – 30 March 2005) was an American stand-up comic known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.
United States Comedians Stand-up comedians Also known as: Hedberg, Mitch, Mitch Hedburg
Random Mitch Hedberg quote
76 quotes
I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"
I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
Mitch All Together (2003)
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?
I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the fuck 'Soup From Now On' is.
Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.
So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.
Mitch All Together (2003)
If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... Alright.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"
Mitch All Together (2003)
I did comedy for a fundraiser, cuz I have a big heart. We were trying to raise money for one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean.
Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!
I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... So I kicked it.
Topics Mitch Hedberg is quoted on
Works