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I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

— Mitch Hedberg Mitch All Together (2003)

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More quotes by Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch All Together (2003)

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?

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Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Mitch Hedberg (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.