77 quotes
Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, "Don't make the same mistake," you'll avoid the first mistake.
Brain Droppings (1998)
In Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
Brain Droppings (1998)
Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone for Christ's sake! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion and the Catholics and the Christians are just tossing them aside. You'd think they'd make natural allies! Don't look for consistency in religion.
Back in Town (1996)
People will say "you can't joke about rape. Rape's not funny." I say "fuck you, I think it's hilarious! How do you like that? I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd."
Doin' It Again (1991)
You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it, one swing, fuck you, you're out, sit down!
Playin' with Your Head (1986)
I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!
Back in Town (1996)
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. (243)
Brain Droppings (1997)
Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.
I think I am, therefore I am. I think.
Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)
But what's the alternative? What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? Pointless careerism? Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? Is this the noblest thing that women can think of?
Doin' It Again / Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)
I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.
Class Clown (1972)
Meow means "woof" in cat.
Brain Droppings (1997)
"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body"
Misattributed
The Paradox of Our Time is one of many stories that has been forwarded around the internet and attributed to Carlin, but is actually by Bob Moorehead.
Misattributed
I am a Bad American is another mass-forwarded internet message often attributed to George Carlin, but was not written by him.
Misattributed
Various lists of humorous one-liners were forwarded through email in the 1990s, falsely attributed to George Carlin. Some of these one-liners included
Misattributed
"I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm."
Misattributed