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George Carlin Quotes

1937–2008 United States

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects.

United States
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Also known as: Carlin, Carlin, George

Random George Carlin quote

77 quotes

Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.

FM & AM (1972)

And the other two-way word is "prick". It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!

Class Clown (1972)

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

Brain Droppings (1997)

So let me ask you something: how's everybody doing tonight, huh? (audience cheers) Good, well, fuck you! Just trying to make you feel at home.

You Are All Diseased (1999)

I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

Back in Town (1996)

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. (206)

Brain Droppings (1997)

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Brain Droppings (1997)

There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?"

Class Clown (1972)

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

Carlin on Campus (1984)

Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.

Carlin on Campus (1984)

Healthy does not mean "healthful." Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetables aren't healthy, they're dead. No food is healthy. Unless you have an eggplant that's doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful.

Brain Droppings (1998)

If everyone's a hero, then the word doesn't mean much anymore. And sooner or later we'll have to give the real heroes (the heroic ones) a new name, to distinguish them from the rest of the pack. Too bad "superheroes" is already taken.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops (2004)

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

Brain Droppings (1997)

I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.

Last Words (2009)

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.

Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don't occupy. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior.

Brain Droppings (1997)

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.

Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: George Carlin (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.