77 quotes
They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
Brain Droppings (1997)
Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.
Toledo Window Box (1974)
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Carlin on Campus (1984)
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)
I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?
The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson (1989)
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
A Place for My Stuff (1981)
It's a big club and you ain't in it.
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Brain Droppings (1997)
If you scratch a cynic, you will find a disappointed idealist.
I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!
Playin' with Your Head (1986)
O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain
Class Clown (1972)
I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you.
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Brain Droppings (1997)
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
Playin' with Your Head (1986)
"Undisputed heavyweight champion." Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?
Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)
There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me.
Brain Droppings (1997)
And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
A Place for My Stuff (1981)