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Doug Stanhope Quotes

born 1967 United States

Doug Stanhope (born 25 March 1967) is an American stand-up comedian.

United States
Actors
Anarchists
Columnists
Comedians

Random Doug Stanhope quote

22 quotes

If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Word of Mouth (2002)

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Before Turning the Gun on Himself (2012)

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

Life is like animal porn. It's not for everyone.

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

I love homosexuality, I promote it, you fuck and you don't leave fuckin' garbage on the earth because of it.

Before Turning the Gun on Himself (2012)

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and fucking irritating.

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good.

Word of Mouth (2002)

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.

No Refunds (2007)

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

No Refunds (2007)

"Drugs support terrorism"? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

Word of Mouth (2002)

Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"

Oslo: Burning the Bridge to Nowhere (2011)

If you're offended by any word, in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Before Turning the Gun on Himself (2012)

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard — and you want me to have hope for these fuckin' monkeys on swing-sets?

Oslo: Burning the Bridge to Nowhere (2011)

You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it.

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward.

Oslo: Burning the Bridge to Nowhere (2011)

At least black people knew when they were slaves. You remain clueless.

No Refunds (2007)

The problem with this country is that old folks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: Doug Stanhope (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.