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America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good.

— Doug Stanhope Word of Mouth (2002)

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More quotes by Doug Stanhope

If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Word of Mouth (2002)

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Before Turning the Gun on Himself (2012)

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

Life is like animal porn. It's not for everyone.

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

All Doug Stanhope quotes →

Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Doug Stanhope (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.