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Christopher Titus Quotes

born 1964 United States

Christopher Todd Titus (born October 1 1964) is an American comedian and actor who had a well-received yet short-lived show entitled Titus.

United States
Actors
Stand-up comedians

Random Christopher Titus quote

18 quotes

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

Neverlution (2011)

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

Neverlution (2011)

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

Neverlution (2011)

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

I don't think a man should EVER hit a woman..... until the 5th time she cracks him in the face.

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide…you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder…you've never been divorced.

Love is Evol (2009)

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs.

Love is Evol (2009)

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

Neverlution (2011)

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

Neverlution (2011)

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

The Fifth-Annual End-of-the-World Tour (2007)

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah, and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"

Neverlution (2011)

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or...You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

Neverlution (2011)

I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

Love is Evol (2009)

Oh, God! Get me out of this Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Kim Kardashian-talentless slut decade!

Neverlution (2011)

Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses — did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? … Cows, get on it... MOO!"

The Fifth-Annual End-of-the-World Tour (2007)

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

Neverlution (2011)

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

The Fifth-Annual End-of-the-World Tour (2007)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: Christopher Titus (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.