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And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

— Christopher Titus The Fifth-Annual End-of-the-World Tour (2007)

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More quotes by Christopher Titus

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

Neverlution (2011)

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

Neverlution (2011)

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

Neverlution (2011)

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

I don't think a man should EVER hit a woman..... until the 5th time she cracks him in the face.

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

All Christopher Titus quotes →

Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Christopher Titus (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.