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I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

— Christopher Titus Neverlution (2011)

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More quotes by Christopher Titus

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

Neverlution (2011)

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

Neverlution (2011)

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

I don't think a man should EVER hit a woman..... until the 5th time she cracks him in the face.

Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (2004)

If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide…you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder…you've never been divorced.

Love is Evol (2009)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Christopher Titus (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.