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You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

— Jeff Foxworthy Totally Committed (1998)

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Marriage

More quotes by Jeff Foxworthy

We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

If you're a man and you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay or married.

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered (2004)

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.

All Jeff Foxworthy quotes →

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The confusion of marriage with morality has done more to destroy the conscience of the human race than any other single error.

George Bernard Shaw Man and Superman (1903)

Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

Oscar Wilde A Woman of No Importance (1893)

A man is in general better pleased when he has a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife talks Greek.

Samuel Johnson

The best way to worship God is to love your wife.

Victor Hugo Les Misérables (1862)

Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Jeff Foxworthy (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.