20 quotes
The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
I call my balls the bush twins.
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
That was some really great "fatcting".
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike...
Live at the Purple Onion (2007)