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Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

— Zach Galifianakis Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

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More quotes by Zach Galifianakis

The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

All Zach Galifianakis quotes →

Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Zach Galifianakis (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.