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Lewis Black Quotes

born 1948 United States

Lewis Niles Black (born August 30, 1948) is a Grammy Award-winning American stand-up comedian, author, playwright and actor.

United States
Actors
Comedians
Essayists
Playwrights

Also known as: Lewis Niles Black

Random Lewis Black quote

30 quotes

If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit.

Stark Raving Black (2010)

I'm only allowed to say 'fuck' twelve times.

The Carnegie Hall Performance (2006)

FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.

The White Album (2000)

I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.

Stark Raving Black (2010)

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

The Carnegie Hall Performance (2006)

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

The White Album (2000)

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?

Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues (2005)

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Rules of Enragement (2003)

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

Last Laugh ‘05 (2005)

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from.

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

The End of the Universe (2002)

Congratulations, San Francisco! You’ve ruined pizza! First the Hawaiians, and now you!

Inside Out (2015)

Can I say that curse word now?

Inside Out (2015)

There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, "GODDAMN, YA SONOFABITCH!" and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar.

Rules of Enragement (2003)

The toughest thing about performing here is, where do you go from here? Next week, I'm at the Fort Lauderdale Performing Arts Center.

The Carnegie Hall Performance (2006)

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Nothing’s Sacred (2005)

I lost my virginity to a [record] skip. "Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay--Lay Lady Lay". We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.

Anticipation (2008)

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Last Laugh ‘06 (2006)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: Lewis Black (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.