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Quotes from The Comeback Kid — John Mulaney

born 1982 United States

← All quotes by John Mulaney

13 quotes

Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

You remember being 12, when you're like, "No one look at me or I'll kill myself."

The Comeback Kid (2015)

College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, "I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian." And they're like, "Partial credit." And that's a whole thing.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

I was raised Catholic. I don't know if you can tell that from the everything about me.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. [...] The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children. We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. It's insane. Yeah, well... All right, don't "whoo" if you're white. It's always been legal for us.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

2029? That's not a real year. By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: John Mulaney (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.