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John Mulaney Quotes

born 1982 United States

John Edmund Mulaney (born 26 August 1982) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer.

United States
Actors
Producers
Screenwriters
Stand-up comedians

Random John Mulaney quote

40 quotes

If you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father, you’re an insane person.

Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world making the biggest decisions of their lives.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

Apparently I have no boundaries. And I need 'em.

I dislike the Founding Fathers immensely.

It is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable.

New in Town (2012)

I like having a puppy that's a bulldog, 'cause it's like having a baby that is also a grandma.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

Building a gazebo in the middle of the civil war, that'd be like doing stand-up comedy now.

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

New in Town (2012)

For those of you who aren't Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you, although we love to exclude you.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

A "hero" is any man who does his job. You a lot of times see headlines that are like, "hero tutor teaches after school", and you're like, yeah.

New in Town (2012)

I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

I don't know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

You remember being 12, when you're like, "No one look at me or I'll kill myself."

The Comeback Kid (2015)

You spend most of your day telling a robot that you're not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean.

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, "I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian." And they're like, "Partial credit." And that's a whole thing.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

It's been proven that people will take information from a female voice, but they will only take a warning from a male voice. Now that's its own American gender nightmare that we don't have time to get into.

Famous people are weird as shit. They're all weird. Your suspicions are correct.

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

Now, I don't know if you've been following the news, but I've been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time.

Kid Gorgeous (2018)

I was raised Catholic. I don't know if you can tell that from the everything about me.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. [...] The things they say mean nothing to them, but they mean everything to me.

The Comeback Kid (2015)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: John Mulaney (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.