19 quotes
And remember, when we talk of the fittest, it is all about the context. Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, & he's just a penguin's bitch.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!
At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
The Buck Starts Here (2007)
We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.
When Did Nature Get So Whiney? (2003)
The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro. (Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven).
The Raw Feed (2003)
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
The Toronto Star (2004)
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel."
We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!
When Did Nature Get So Whiney? (2003)
[T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"
Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?
The Buck Starts Here (2007)
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
The Raw Feed (2003)
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.
Associated Press interview (2004)
The Pentagon admitted the Iraqi was never given an identification number and that the Red Cross was never notified about his capture. However, [Defense Secretary] Donald Rumsfeld claims the prisoner has been treated in accordance with Geneva Conventions, including regular conjugal visits with his favorite goat.