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Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

— Dennis Miller

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More quotes by Dennis Miller

And remember, when we talk of the fittest, it is all about the context. Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, & he's just a penguin's bitch.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

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Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Dennis Miller (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.