20 quotes
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed off.
You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
True Stories I Made Up (2005)
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.
Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)
Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
True Stories I Made Up (2005)
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.
Happy Thoughts (2011)
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
Happy Thoughts (2011)
Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her...
Laugh Factory (2012)
Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over.
Happy Thoughts (2011)
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Happy Thoughts (2011)
God doesn't hate gays. He's just upset that they found a loophole in the system.
Completely Serious (2007)
I can say that. I have a television show.
Happy Thoughts (2011)
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant."
Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's like, "Whatever, queer."
Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)
Thank you...San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you...for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Happy Thoughts (2011)
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house...
True Stories I Made Up (2005)
A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off because I care.
Happy Thoughts (2011)
You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!
Completely Serious (2007)
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Happy Thoughts (2011)
Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. It's not my job to know what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It's how I know I still have one.
Completely Serious (2007)