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You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

— Daniel Tosh Happy Thoughts (2011)

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More quotes by Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed off.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh (2003)

Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

True Stories I Made Up (2005)

All Daniel Tosh quotes →

Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Daniel Tosh (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.