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IF YOU GO through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

— Jack Handey

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More quotes by Jack Handey

IF YOU ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992)

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992)

A wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Deep Thoughts: Inspiration for the Uninspired (1992)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Jack Handey (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.