103 quotes
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Stardust Memories (1980)
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Without Feathers (1975)
Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.
Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
It figures you've got to hate yourself if you've got any integrity at all.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
Take the Money and Run (1969)
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
Radio Days (1987)
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Without Feathers (1975)
Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.
Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)
There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Side Effects (1980)
Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.
The Woody Allen Companion (1993)
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Without Feathers (1975)
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Getting Even (1971)
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Without Feathers (1975)
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.
The Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001)
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Without Feathers (1975)