103 quotes
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Side Effects (1980)
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
his movie Love and Death cited in: Philip Nicholas Johnson-Laird (2006)
Political questions, if you go back thousands of years, are ephemeral, not important. History is the same thing over and over again.
My brain: it's my second favorite organ.
Sleeper (1973)
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
Getting Even (1971)
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
Without Feathers (1975)
I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.
The Observer Review (1996)
It’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: Sooner or later everything turns to shit.
Husbands and wives (1992)
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Without Feathers (1975)
I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Getting Even (1971)
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
The Illustrated Woody Allen Reader (1993)
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Without Feathers (1975)
It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.
Getting Even (1971)
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)
Death is like a colonoscopy, the problem is that life is like the prep day.
I have no apprehension whatsoever. I've been through this so many times.
He had been mistaken several times for Robert Redford, but on each occasion it was by a blind person.
Without Feathers (1975)
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.
Mere Anarchy (2007)
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.
Mere Anarchy (2007)