22 quotes
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright Special (1985)
Sometimes you cannot hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.
Steven Wright Special (1985)
It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.
Steven Wright Special (1985)
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I Have A Pony (1985)
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
I Have A Pony (1985)
A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright Special (1985)
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright Special (1985)
I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright Special (1985)
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
I Have A Pony (1985)
I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven... They're right.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
I Have A Pony (1985)
Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start...
When the Leaves Blow Away (2006) / I Still Have a Pony (2007)