135 quotes
Biotechnology is a worry. What if they take genetic material from wet noodles and blowfish and splice it into politician chromosomes and create a Clinton administration?
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
A woman should dress to attract attention. To attract the most attention, a woman should either be nude or wearing something as expensive as getting her nude is going to be.
Modern Manners (1983)
I can understand why mankind hasn't given up war. During a war you get to drive tanks through the sides of buildings and shoot foreigners— two things that are usually frowned on during peacetime.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.
Give War a Chance (1992)
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
The Italians have had two thousand years to fix up the Forum and just look at the place.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
The typical old-fashioned diet was so bad it almost resembled modern dieting.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
[D]emocracy is something that if you're going to be really up-to-date, you just can't do without–like a compact-disc player.
Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
Human problems are complex. If something isn't complex it doesn't qualify as problematic. Very simple bad things are not worth troubling ourselves about.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
I suspect the Haitian Ministry of Health's principal contribution to health in Haiti is providing nice, healthy jobs to those Haitians with the connection to get them.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Man has been breeding livestock for ten thousand years and has yet to come up with a monstrous sheep that can trample buildings and graze a whole golf course for breakfast.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
The real truth about children is they don't speak the language very well. They're physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
Freddie Aguilar, who's billed as "the Bob Dylan of the Philippines." This is unfair, since he's good-looking, plays the guitar well, can carry a tune, and writes songs that make sense.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it," Santayana said, in one of those moments of fatuousness that come to even the most detached of philosophers. It goes double for those who can't remember anything else.
Are we disheartened by the breakup of the family? Nobody who ever met my family is.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.
Give War a Chance (1992)
The Institute of U.S. and Canadian Studies is supposed to have subscribed to the Village Voice for six years in an attempt to find out about life in America's rural areas.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)