135 quotes
Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
A careful reading of 50 Simple Things leaves you wondering whether you're going to die from environmental disaster or intellectual annoyance. Failing either, you can worry yourself to death.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Anyone who has studied psychology, sociology, anthropology, or any of the other wacko-and-wog disciplines knows the three great rules of the social sciences: Folks do lots of things. We don't know why. Test on Friday.
One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free— indeed, sanctimonious— way for "progressives" to be racists.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
It's hard to come back from the Balkans and not sound like a Pete Seeger song.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
These were people who believed everything about the Soviet Union was perfect, but they were bringing their own toilet paper.
Republican Party Reptile (1987)
Any person who has spent time outdoors actually doing something, such as hunting and fishing as opposed to standing there with a doobie in his mouth, knows nature is not intrinsically healthy.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.
Holidays in Hell (1989)
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
Parliament of Whores (1991)
Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.
Eat the Rich (1999)
Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
A steady job is at least as deleterious to the spirit of bachelorhood as a steady date. Some jobs are worse than actual wives.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
Idealism is based on big ideas. And, as anybody who has ever been asked "What's the big idea?" knows, most big ideas are bad ones.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
Cleaning, like seduction, should be done from the top down — starting with the ceiling, which is ridiculous. Gravity takes care of that.
The Bachelor Home Companion (1986)
When a private entity does not produce the desired results, it is (certain body parts excepted) done away with. But a public entity gets bigger.
All the Trouble in the World (1994)
The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.
Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperialism (2004)
Term limits aren't enough. We need jail.
The Liberty Manifesto (1993)