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Quotes from Mitch All Together — Mitch Hedberg

1968–2005 United States

← All quotes by Mitch Hedberg

17 quotes

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch All Together (2003)

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.

Mitch All Together (2003)

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

Mitch All Together (2003)

I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!

Mitch All Together (2003)

Listerine hurts, man; when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.

Mitch All Together (2003)

I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."

Mitch All Together (2003)

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

Mitch All Together (2003)

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Mitch All Together (2003)

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Mitch All Together (2003)

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch All Together (2003)

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for "add sugar to".

Mitch All Together (2003)

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

Mitch All Together (2003)

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

Mitch All Together (2003)

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"

Mitch All Together (2003)

I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Mitch All Together (2003)

By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be... A thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

Mitch All Together (2003)

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"

Mitch All Together (2003)

Attribution

Quotes and notes from Wikiquote: Mitch Hedberg (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0.