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Mitch Hedberg Quotes
1968–2005 United States
Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 – 30 March 2005) was an American stand-up comic known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.
United States Comedians Stand-up comedians Also known as: Hedberg, Mitch, Mitch Hedburg
Random Mitch Hedberg quote
76 quotes
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Mitch All Together (2003)
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.
To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?
When someone on the street tries to hand me a flier, it’s like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”
The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say: “You’re home!”
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.
Mitch All Together (2003)
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
Mitch All Together (2003)
I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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