40 quotes
I didn't mean to make it sound like we don't want children. We don't, but I didn't mean to make it sound like that.
The Comeback Kid (2015)
I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It is, but that's not my point.
The Top Part (2009)
I was a cool person at one time. I used to do cocaine.
I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.
The Comeback Kid (2015)
The world is run by robots, and we spend most of our day telling them that we're not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff.
Kid Gorgeous (2018)
I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit.
Kid Gorgeous (2018)
If there's a hell, I think it's an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, it's a wikipedia, and you can just change that.
When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian American. And the biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian American.
New in Town (2012)
I've never understood being goth, you know. I could never do that, I could never dress goth. And don't get me wrong, I'm unhappy, it's not that.
The Top Part (2009)
I was working with these kids ages 8-13, and I thought, oh, I remember being that age, and that is the state I would like to be in. Because they were very kind, they were very thoughtful, and they also knew that they had no control over their lives at all.
You know those days when you're like, "this might as well happen". Adult life is already so goddamn weird.
New in Town (2012)
When I walk down the street, I need everyone to like me so much. It's exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who's running for mayor of nothing.
From an early age, I tried to be funny for the adults. [...] I think I thought and feel still that I have to provide that in order for people to like me.
Your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you're wrong. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands. Those are not your dad's friends.
That's how I walk into rooms. I'm 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, "Hi. Knock knock." I say "knock, knock" out loud.
Kid Gorgeous (2018)
Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. It's insane. Yeah, well... All right, don't "whoo" if you're white. It's always been legal for us.
The Comeback Kid (2015)
I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids. [...] My children are not gonna be playing out on grass. They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games and catfishing pedophiles.
The Comeback Kid (2015)
I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.
New in Town (2012)
2029? That's not a real year. By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
The Comeback Kid (2015)
How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn't.
Kid Gorgeous (2018)