24 quotes
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.
Seriously Funny (2009)
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Funny Ladies (2001)
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997)
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Funny Ladies (2001)
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
On Being Blonde (2004)
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.
Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?
Enjoy Your Gifted Child (1986)
You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
The Quote Manual: Wisdom and Wit of the Ages (2005)
Frequent response to an audience's groans or reactions to her remarks.
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
Two is company; three is fifty bucks.
The Quotable Quote Book (1990)
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000)
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
On Being Blonde (2004)
Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.
Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000)