115 quotes
No. Books take a long time, and I don't get to hear the laughs.
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #2 (2014)
The word "pet peeve" is one of my biggest pet peeves, to tell you the truth.
All dads dress in the style of the last good year of their lives.
I still think everything has its life cycle and if you respect it, people enjoy it longer.
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #1 (2014)
No one knows public humiliation like a comedian.
What I am good at -- and what every comedian is good at -- is knowing how to carefully manage an audience's attention span.
Vulture Festival (2015)
Vomiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain, Chamberlain still would have given him Czechoslovakia.
When you want to enjoy something, you must never let logic get too much in the way.
SeinLanguage (1993)
Learning to be a writer is the delta of success and failure in comedy.
New York Times Talk (2016)
Never try and make a comedian laugh with one of his own jokes.
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #1 (2014)
Really good bits go deep into your head and keep comin' back.
Talking Funny (2011)
Do the people that work in these little shops in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? "Yeah, $14, tuna sandwich. We think that's fair."
I'm Telling You for the Last Time (1998)
I like the brutality of stand-up and the simple, boiled-down "it either lives or dies" of a joke.
New York Times Talk (2016)
Cars are really the most sophisticated adult toys that you can use without having to really talk to anybody.
Pebble Beach Classic Cars Forum (2018)
When you're crafting an act, you need to see how that material works in front of each different type of situation.
Comedian (2002)
A cat is a small sneaky animal that manages to get by without any real relationships.
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #2 (2014)
A lot of comedy sounds like you're driving to a point of logic or perspective, and you're really just setting up a joke!
New York Times Talk (2016)
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final decision on where your lips end.
Redbook Feature (1991)
If your things don't make you happy, you're not getting the right things!
Clio Award Acceptance Speech (2014)
Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.
Reddit "Ask Me Anything" #1 (2014)