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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

— Henny Youngman The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America (2001)

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Work: The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America, 2001
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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America (2001)

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America (2001)

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

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My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One."

Don't Put My Name on this Book (1976)

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America (2001)

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Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Henny Youngman (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.