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I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother

— Henny Youngman

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Source: 101 of My Funniest Jokes. New York: Henny Youngman (1976). Brochure..
Source quality: Source identified Names the work or year, but without an exact location.

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My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

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My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

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My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One."

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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Henny Youngman (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.