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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

— Joan Rivers On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes (2004)

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More quotes by Joan Rivers

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.

Seriously Funny (2009)

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Funny Ladies (2001)

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly—hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997)

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Funny Ladies (2001)

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Attribution

Quote text and notes from Wikiquote: Joan Rivers (page history), available under CC BY-SA 4.0. Source quality and labels are our own summary of what Wikiquote records.