103 quotes
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.
Mere Anarchy (2007)
I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it,
All I can do is wait for it
As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.
Mere Anarchy (2007)
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.
In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.
Love and Death (1975)
I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and I was able to go through War and Peace in 20 minutes. It's about Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Standup Comic (1999)
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Standup Comic (1999)
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.
Love and Death (1975)
Fielding Mellish: I object, Your Honor! This trial is a travesty! It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham!
Bananas (1971)
With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.
Mere Anarchy (2007)
I think that the tendency for most people is to fall back on a comic interpretation of things — because things are so sad, so terrible. If you didn't laugh you'd kill yourself. But the truth of the matter is that existence in general is very very tragic, very very sad, very brutal and very unhappy.
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Without Feathers (1975)
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
Love and Death (1975)
I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.
Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Sleeper (1973)
"I WANTED nothing more than to be a foreign filmmaker, but of course I was from Brooklyn, which was not a foreign country. Through a happy accident I wound up being a foreign filmmaker because I couldn't raise money any other way."
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Without Feathers (1975)
Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."
Deconstructing Harry (1997)