82 quotes
I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U. S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators.
There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don't even have to exaggerate.
Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom (1935)
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr.
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts.
This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.
advertising [...] makes you spend money you haven't got for things you don't want.
And kid Congress and the Senate, don't scold 'em. They are just children thats never grown up. They don't like to be corrected in company. Don't send messages to 'em, send candy.
But it's just as Mr. Brisbane and I have been constantly telling you, "Don't gamble"; take all your savings and buy some good stock, and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, "I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record." Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing.
Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom (1935)
Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.
The Will Rogers Book (1972)
Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
We'll hold the distinction of being the only Nation in the history of the world that ever went to the poor house in an automobile. Radio broadcast, Bacon, Beans, and Limousines, October 18, 1931
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I dident like. When you meet people, no matter what opinion you might have formed about them beforehand, why, after you meet them and see their angle and their personality, why, you can see a lot of good in all of them.
Diplomacy is the art of being able to say "nice doggie" until you have time to pick up a rock!
Misattributed
We don't seem able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?
Attributed
I am not so much concerned with the return on capital as I am with the return of capital.
Misattributed The Prudent Professor: Planning and Saving for a Worry-Free Retirement (2011)
Diplomacy is the same as saying "nice doggie" until you have a chance to pick up a rock.
Misattributed