82 quotes
We can make this thing into a Party, instead of a Memory.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
The Wordsworth Dictionary of Quotations (1998)
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
I am more concerned with the return of my money than the return on my money.
The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. QOTD 2007·11·04 Sound file
Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time (1979)
When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: "I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like." I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.
The Will Rogers Book (1972)
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do — well, that's Memoirs.
The Autobiography of Will Rogers (1949)
The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
I not only "don't choose to run" but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't "choose". I will say "won't run" no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.
I am a peace man. I haven't got any use for wars and there is no more humor in 'em than there is reason for 'em.
You've never in your life seen a picture, I bet any one of you, never seen a picture of one of these old Pilgrims praying when they didn't have a gun right by the side of them. That was to see that he got what he was praying for.
That's one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says "Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can."
I never met a man I didn't like.
I certainly know that [A] comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious and I don't want either of those to happen to me til I am dead (if then).
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
Dreams Come Due : Government and Economics as If Freedom Mattered (1986)
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em but I'd hate to own one.
Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.
The Illiterate Digest (1924)