112 quotes
An omnipotent being has no need to rank things.
God's Debris (2001)
Hopelessness isn't the same as happiness, but it's enough to make the employees stop complaining, and that's a good start.
Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook (1996)
What are the odds that you live in exactly the window of human existence when all of the major optical illusions have been discovered?
The Dilbert Future (1997)
Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.
If an economist uses a complicated model to predict just about anything, you can ignore it.
It is absurd to define God as omnipotent and then burden him with our own myopic view of the significance of human beings.
God's Debris (2001)
If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
Conversation can be many things, but it can never be useless.
God's Debris (2001)
I have a saying: "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
The Dilbert Principle (1996)
The most important skill for any leader is the ability to take credit for things that happen on their own.
The Dilbert Principle (1996)
Never laugh when you're being sarcastic. It will ruin the effect.
The Joy of Work (1998)
Morality and willpower are illusions. For any human being, the highest urge always wins and willpower never enters into it.
God's Debris (2001)
Four billion people say they believe in God, but few genuinely believe. If people believed in God, they would live every minute of their lives in support of that belief.
God's Debris (2001)
Beliefs are our software. When the software works properly, our beliefs help us survive. Sometimes there are glitches in the software, in the form of delusions that are harmful.
The Religion War (2004)
The truth is that I imagined every bit of good fortune that has come my way.
If you think it’s easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you’ve probably never tried.
There is no such thing as as news about public figures that's true.
My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.
Conversation is more than the sum of the words. It is also a way of signaling the importance of another person by showing your willingness to give that person your rarest resource: time.
God's Debris (2001)
If you don’t believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.