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Ron White Quotes
born 1956 United States
Ronald "Ron" White (born December 18, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian and satirist from Fritch, Texas. He is a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
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19 quotes
I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.
I get that Speedo on, it looks like a rubber band stretched over a head of cauliflower.
I'm sweating scotch out of every pore in my body.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
We take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and flip it!
My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go.
"Don't drink and drive." That's what they say. They also say "Friends don't let friends drive drunk." Well, which one is it? Somebody's gotta drive.
If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (2018)
I find a lot of comfort in having one sex partner. That is because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do.
Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees.
To the troops. [Audience cheers as he drinks scotch]
The next time you have a thought...let it go.
I was more fucked-up than Courtney Love at the Pamela Anderson roast!
I found out yesterday there really is a place called Bumfuck, Egypt. And the only way to get there is to go up Shit Creek.
You ever smoke so much pot your wife starts to make sense? Me neither. (30:20)
When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"...And she's the wrong one.
I'm a dog lover. Actually, I love my dog, I don't give a shit about your dog. I don't know your dog. Your dog could be an asshole, I don't know.
[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.
I'm 61 years old now, and I know two things to be true. One: anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. And you can't unfuck the housekeeper.
If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (2018)
The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the next Ayatollah. I suggested they pick that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow!
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