28 quotes
OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
Tailgate Party (2009)
Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?
Tailgate Party (2009)
You can always tell when gas is expensive. You always see street gangs doing walk-bys.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? [high-pitched voice] Say hello to my little friend.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
Them [gas] prices are higher than a bus load of Mexicans at the Los Lobos concert.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
Do deaf people have alarm clocks? I asked a deaf guy that one time, the sumbitch just stared at me.
Tailgate Party (2009)
Cheney shot his buddy in the face. Clinton shot his intern in the face.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
I was madder then a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
Tailgate Party (2009)
That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!
Morning Constitutions (2007)
My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
Did you hear about the high school football coach who got in trouble for letting his players have sex with his wife? How does that work? "Robinson! Get in there!"
Tailgate Party (2009)
Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
Morning Constitutions (2007)
Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!
I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stack of scratch-off tickets, I'll tell you what.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!
Had a buddy of mine caught a rainbow trout, and threw it back. He said he didn't want a gay fish.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam.
Morning Constitutions (2007)
A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.
Tailgate Party (2009)