83 quotes
This show is our own personal beliefs.
My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
College of William & Mary Commencement Address (2004)
"[Fox News has] taken reasonable concerns about this president and this economy and turned it into a full-fledged panic about the next coming of Chairman Mao."
The Bill O'Reilly Factor Appearance (2010)
Hasn't God already made up his mind on that sort of thing?
Stand-up performance at RIT (2005)
This is a wonderful award, to see all my friends here and all the people I've worked with through the years, it reminds me of just how many people I carried.
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
Naked Pictures of Famous People (1998)
It's not the Woke Police that are gonna be an existential threat to comedy. It's not the Fresh Prince, it's the Crown Prince. It's not the fragility of audiences, it's the fragility of leaders.
I mean, they're gonna do anything, it's clear they cast their die, I mean, as hard as it is for Dick Cheney to get an erection, he's not gonna let this opportunity go by.
On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife.
Stand-up performance at RIT (2005)
Black don't crack. But Jews... we age like avocados.
That's the embarrassment. The embarrassment is that I'm given credibility in this world, because of the disappointment that the public has in what the news media does. Not because I have an ideological agenda.
You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.
Hartford Advocate Interview (2008)
The Confederate flag flies over South Carolina, and the roads are named for Confederate generals, and the white guy is the one who feels like his country is being taken away from him. We’re bringing it on ourselves. And that’s the thing, Al-Qaeda, all those guys, ISIS, they’re not shit compared to the damage that we can apparently do to ourselves on a regular basis.
The Daily Show (1999)
Hitler: (biting into a bagel) First of all, Larry, I don't know what I was so afraid of. These are delicious!!!
Naked Pictures of Famous People (1998)
What we do is an iterative business. It's a grind. It's work. The best amongst us just keeps at it.
They responded in five seconds. They did their jobs, with courage, grace... tenacity, humility... Eighteen years later? Do yours!
Speech to Congress on Behalf on 9/11 First Responders (2019)
Yes, we've lost the war on guns. Personally, I knew it was over after Sandy Hook. We had a chance to pick guns or Kindergarteners and we went with guns.
The Problem with Jon Stewart (2021)
As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal—in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.
Hartford Advocate Interview (2008)
We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is — on the brink of catastrophe — torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!
Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear closing speech (2010)
People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They're not living their lives via platforms. They're living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
Hartford Advocate Interview (2008)