83 quotes
Little and hairy. But if [The New York Post] want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck.
"The presence, forbearance, rectictude and largeosity of one's 'Plums and Carrot'."
America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)
We are not warriors in anyone's army.
If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.
America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)
You're not your circumstances, you're not what happens to you, you're what you make of it.
You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.
Is a permanent underclass a necessity for American capitalism?
The Problem with Jon Stewart (2021)
I signed up for what? I thought I was just ordering cable.
The country’s 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder.
Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear closing speech (2010)
When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, "that's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?" But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say "bad monkey."
They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, "I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow."
Crossfire Appearance (2004)
It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery.
Crossfire Appearance (2004)
Government picks winners and losers all the time.
The Problem with Jon Stewart (2021)
I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.
Hartford Advocate Interview (2008)
Dedication: To the huddled masses, keep yearnin'!
America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction (2004)
It should have been a crowning moment, but I clearly remember thinking, What am I doing here? I hate crowds.
Naked Pictures of Famous People (1998)
I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
College of William & Mary Commencement Address (2004)
Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us.
College of William & Mary Commencement Address (2004)
That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters—they look better covered in oil.
Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy. Rent it.
The 78th Academy Awards (2006)