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Jay London Quotes
born 1966 United States
Jay London (born September 12, 1966, in The Bronx) is an American stand-up comic whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's second and third seasons of Last Comic Standing. He had a thing for saying "Thank you" after some of his one-liners, depending on crowd reaction.
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44 quotes
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
People read me but they don't subscribe.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.
Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?
It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke.
I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"
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