25 quotes
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Liner notes of An Evening With Groucho (1972)
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
Halliwell’s Filmgoer’s Companion (1984)
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho and Me (1959)
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
I like pancakes, but I haven't got a closet full of them!
When's the game itself going to begin?
A likely story — and probably true.
They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.
The Groucho Phile (1976)
[Variant:] "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member".
The Groucho Letters (1967)
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
To S. J. Perelman about his book Dawn Ginsbergh’s Revenge (1929)
Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet! (Variation on an old Royal Navy wardroom toast: "Wives and Sweethearts! May they never meet!")
I got $25 from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: "I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally"? I never said that.
I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Misattributed