Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that. Happy Thoughts (2011)
Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over. Happy Thoughts (2011)
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? Happy Thoughts (2011)
Thank you...San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you...for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. Happy Thoughts (2011)
A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off because I care. Happy Thoughts (2011)
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream. Happy Thoughts (2011)